I’m the darkness in the alley.
I’m the chaos that you carry.
All your sorrows, I will tally.
I’m your inner saboteur.
Inner Saboteur (now available on Spotify) is the “I see you” note to my shadow side — my dangerous, destructive, re-birth self. The part that’s not afraid to push the boundaries just to see what happens. The great initiator of change and transformation. She, who is not afraid to burn it the f*ck down when needed. The parts that I have, historically, tried to ignore because they scared me, made me different from the pack. My inner wild child. That alternative voice whispering in my ear:
“Who do you think you are?
“Let’s be bad….”
Which wolf do you feed?
That kind of vibe.
No stranger to destruction, I’ve had my fair share of “dark & dirties”. I’ve gone on a bender (or two) and fallen out of trailers, just like the rest of us. I was running from my darkness, judging it. What I love about my dark side now is that I’m embracing her, understanding her — challenging her…and she loves a challenge.
Coming up, I felt boxed in by the need to be perfect. The mantle of “Black Excellence” felt like a heavy one. I felt like a duck on water — all gliding and effortlessness on top, churning below. Never let the world see the turmoil — hide the struggle, deny the discomfort. So, my shadow side developed and grew alongside my need to be perfect, without checks or balances. Always silenced, always cast aside.
…and what does any creature do when repeatedly suppressed? It lashes out. Enter my inner saboteur, bred in the parts that I learned to hide away — the dark and stormy places — full of “unpleasing” thoughts and feelings. Designed to strike when threatened. The target? Anything that could be attacked, namely me. And she did.
Like any good stalker, my inner saboteur started following me to auditions, to meetings, to performances. It became the voice before any leap of faith, whispering at me, questioning whether or not I could stick a landing. All under the guise of safety or protection — she’s sneaky like that.
Thing is: Just because I can hear her does not mean I have to agree. Like any perpetual know-it-all, she’s got an opinion. Opinions, however, are not facts. It’s only sabotage if it tears you down, if it impedes your evolution. Don’t let it.
I’m learning that the more we devalue the shadow side, the greater this voice grows. She’s destruction, personified…and also sometimes a little destruction is needed in order to highlight a weakness. Again, I don’t need to do what my inner saboteur tells me to, but I do have to acknowledge her voice when she’s trying to get my attention. Like when you learn the concept of temperature and understand what “hot” is, you never forget it. Sure, most times you avoid getting burned, but sometimes a risk gets taken — the rest is space and opportunity.
So. Yeah. Inner Saboteur (out now on iTunes) is a love letter to all of that ⬆️⬆️
Hey, if you’re gonna dance with the darkness, might as well give it a theme song. Amiright?
Inner Saboteur — now available wherever music is heard.
Thanks for listening!
— ☠️ Cloie
